Bonding Without Words: Therapeutic Experiences in Daily Life

By Aki S.
Edited by Yasmin Landa

Japanese counseling and psychotherapy foundations are based on building trust between therapists and their clients. But how can we achieve this with children who already have distrust and hurt seeded in their hearts and minds?

I spent little time in my counseling office as a school counselor in Japan. Instead, I often participated with the students in their morning circle, academic classes, lunchtime, recess, clean up, and closing circle.

The more time I spent with these students outside my counseling office, the more opportunities they had to open up to me. As I spent more time with these students, I noticed their personal growth and daily progress. These small moments, like those I shared with my students, make us feel close to others and help build trust. As a psychologist and counselor, I knew that these seemingly insignificant moments could be intentional - I could use them to learn more about my students and their interpersonal workings to provide "counseling.”

I would love to share with you a few of the moments that we shared, and the therapeutic impacts that come out of daily, mundane activities.

“Scribble”

When meeting with a particular pre-teenage client, we used "scribbling" as a form of art to connect with each other. I would give the client a pencil and rip up a notebook page. We decided who would scribble first by playing rock paper scissors. We took turns drawing a line to create a collaborative art piece. Often, preteens have more emotions than their words can describe. As their mind develops, they commonly express and release their feelings through silly games or art. Some people start with a minor, light stroke and then express their energy or anger using bold, thick zigzags, much like this client. When he drew these zigzags, I would circle them to wrap him up with safety. He would frown and break the circle using the same or bolder zigzag. After my turn came, I would again circle his zigzag, and he would smile. And so, the emotional strokes continued until he had finished. Then I would ask him to name the collaborative art piece.

“Let's play table tennis.”

You don't have to be great at it - it is just a fun way to connect with these students. We laugh, and we learn that it's ok to miss. The game will continue, and I am not disappointed he missed it. I do not talk down to him about missing. I do not leave him and say he is not worth playing table tennis with. This simple laugh and acceptance speaks such volume to truant kids' hearts and whole being. 

"Lunchtime"

When I was working at a school for truancy, we always had lunch in a circle with 8 kids. As we sat in a circle, we would eat, talk, and share stories. My students were always curious about my lunch every day. By coincidence, sometimes we would have the same lunch. However insignificant that seemed, it provided an opportunity to connect with them.

One day, a little girl told me: "I don't like what you are eating. I asked: "Why, it tastes great!". To which she shared that the taste didn't bother her, but rather it was because "when [she] had that for dinner last time, [her] parents fought so badly in the house. That's why [she] didn't like it". That little girl's truancy stemmed from her phobia of thunder. She was often too scared to be in a classroom setting because she feared thunder would erupt. After reflecting on that interaction for a few days, I returned and asked her if it sounded like thunder when her parents argued. She said yes. It was then that I concluded she was scared of thunder because she associated it with her family falling apart because of her parent's fighting. Although she deeply wanted to help hold her family together, she was but a vulnerable witness to the storm her family was facing. Her teachers didn't understand why she was continually absent from school. Her profile stated that her parents were still together and she is "scared of thunder," but nothing else. Our simple conversations during lunch and my inquiry based on psychological interpretations further explained her deep struggle and the core of her issue. After we learned of her struggles and she understood that we were there to support her, her eccentric laughs and hypertension energy leveled. She was much more content and could relate to other students and teachers more genuinely than before. 

“Clean up”

As a school counselor, I also spent time cleaning up the classroom with my truancy students. Simple conversations about who cleans their room at home. In the course of our conversation, natural topics based on our cleaning activity emerged, and I was able to gain a better understanding of her household. I learned about her relationship with her mother, father, and siblings. Students seemed more open and less defensive about disclosing their family life during these activities than in a sitting counseling session.

“Beside you”

You should sit next to your client rather than facing them; give them space to avoid looking at you the whole time.

"Walk alongside and sit next to the client."

In Japan and most East Asian cultures, facing a person is intimidating. We are taught not to look into each other's eyes. When I visited truant students at their homes, I intentionally positioned myself next to them or at 90 degrees. 

“Origami”

Instead of staring into each other's eyes in a counseling room, we folded origami in the corner of the school. We talk while our hands move. I can tell much about their personalities by how forgiving they are of one's imperfections in origami folding or just how type A they tend to be. The origami was also a conversation starter. I asked questions like: If your mom saw your origami work, do you think she would be as displeased as you are with yourself now? Is she critical when you try to help her with chores at home? Is she critical of your grades too? 

These are just a few stories from my everyday practice outside my counseling room and appointed counseling sessions while I was a school counselor in Japan. From these experiences, I advise counselors not to be too stubborn about our methods. Yes, our education and practices teach us to separate professional time from simply "hanging out." Still, it's in these moments that our clients feel connected with us and build trust. Cultivating that trusted relationship before they step into your counseling room is always good.