Freedom in Forgiveness - A Counselor's Story with Trauma

By Aki S.
Edited by Yasmin Landa

I received my bachelor's in psychology in college because I could not find anything more interesting than "developmental psychology." Although my dream job originally was to work with preschoolers, my Japanese parents insisted that I graduate from a 4-year college with my bachelor's first, and eventually my path led away from preschool work and more towards mental health and counseling. However, my love for young kids never left me - I had much fun keeping my toddlers at home during the pandemic. We cooked, baked, planted, and harvested vegetables in our garden. And, when the butterflies laid eggs on our crown flower tree in our small, shy backyard, we raised and released more than 200 monarch butterflies. With her big confident smile, my girl called it "our garden."

I was biking in Japan around 6 PM one October evening during my college days. It was right after the sun had set, and I could tell it was starting to get darker. I was biking along the road when I noticed a man approaching me. I thought I had passed him after stopping at the hilltop crosswalk at a traffic light, but that was not the case. I thought maybe it had been a concussion or dissociative amnesia, and that's when I was jolted awake by the man who violently pulled me by the arm. I then noticed that my head was bleeding and I had been struck to the ground. The man grabbed my arm to pull me up and hurt me more. I thought I would die that day, but as the overwhelming fear of death shuttered my mind, my natural instincts kicked in. I pushed him away, and my body was sore for the following week. I didn't think I could use my muscles like that ever again, but somehow that day, I was able to escape and run for safety. I was admitted into an emergency room for some forehead stitches and then given a ride to the police station so that they could submit a criminal report. Yet, the worst and most traumatizing part of that day was when the police took me back to the event's location to take photographic evidence for their records.

After that day, I was haunted with countless unanswerable questions that I turned in my mind over and over. These included: What did I do to deserve this? Why did this happen to me? Why did I survive? While many people lose their lives for many reasons, why was I somehow given a chance to live as a crime victim now? Why did the man do such a thing? What was his motivation in committing such an act to an innocent citizen?  

At the same time, given my educational background in psychology, I knew I had symptoms of acute stress disorder (you can think of acute stress disorder as short-term PTSD). If the event isn't severe or repetitive, a person has good mental health support, and is in a safe environment, it is likely their traumatic symptoms will not develop into full-fledged PTSD. Instead, they may experience acute stress disorder symptoms for a short time, and that is what I was experiencing.

I sought treatment with a crime victim therapist only to be let down. She stated coldly to me in her office: "I see victims of rape and individuals in worse situations; you are just fine." With invalidation from a professional, I felt I had nobody to turn to but myself. I turned to educating myself and read a thick, 2-inch book about trauma to understand what was happening to me and how I could recover.

After a few arduous months, the police stopped trying to find the man responsible for this crime. I felt shocked and invalidated by this decision, but at the same time, I thought it was understandable. After all, the only harm he had caused me was a few stitches - why waste more precious resources on him when others have done so much worse? It was so insignificant compared to a murder and rape cases that were happening repeatedly in town. 

Unlike the decision to drop the case against the man though, my new disgraced title of "crime victim," could not be dropped nearly as easily. To struggle with the trauma that I personally experienced only to see that the police no longer cared to bring justice to this case was equally as traumatizing for me. Lost and alone without options on how to address this situation, I shouldered the burdens of the experience and waited for the pain to pass.

I can’t explain how, but one day, I woke up and suddenly realized that I was not as powerless in this situation as I had thought. Even though I couldn’t change the past, and even though I couldn’t change the actions the police decided not to take in the present, I realized that for my own future, I could embrace the experience and go ahead and forgive the man that caused me so much difficulty. I took my story into my own hands by exploring how I could forgive him. I extended the empathy I had within me to try and understand and accept what happened: the man must have had his own - albeit twisted - reasoning to do this. Maybe his family never loved him. Maybe he had experienced his own traumas in the past. I embraced my newfound power within the concept of forgiveness and fought to move forward.

Everyone who knew about my journey disagreed when I announced that I would forgive him. They tried to convince me that he should be forever cursed in our hearts, even if I didn't receive justice. They told me to hold onto that bitterness and resentment, because he did not deserve my compassion.

In these moments, I listened closely to the words a close friend had advised me during these dark times: "You know, there are some things that no one else understands but you."  These were my best friend's words on one of the nights when we talked for hours and hours during high school, and even though the words were meant for a different situation, they guided me through this incident just as well. As concrete as our friendship is still now, we still mutually understand that even BFFs like us have a space for only ourselves that should be respected. This statement comforted me repeatedly throughout the years but more than ever during that time of my life. I was alone, and I felt alone, but I knew forgiving would help me. 

Later in life, I encountered the concept of forgiveness once more within religion. The verse read: "You have heard that it was said, 'You shall love your neighbor and hate your enemy.' But I say to you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you." This message resonated deeply with me. I felt like after all these years, I found the words that described what I had wanted to fight for and say for myself.

Forgive and be free, because there is freedom within forgiveness. Sometimes, we need forgiveness in order to free ourselves from our own self-hatred. Sometimes, we need forgiveness in order to free ourselves from those that have harmed us. There is freedom in realizing that the process of forgiveness may be a lonely journey, that sometimes no one else can understand you and your journey for seeking forgiveness. Sometimes, forgiving the past is what can set us free to live a life of abundance in the future.

Forgiving is something only you can do; nobody else can tell you how to forgive, who to forgive, or when to forgive. It is your power and your freedom, and it is your path to regaining a sense of control over your life again. 

My role as a counselor is now shaped around my experience of trauma, pain, and forgiveness. My goal when listening to others' stories is to find that knot of bitterness and help them release it through talking, crying, expression through art, and so on. In the way that best fits what the client wants for themselves and their lives, my role is to help them build their own way to forgiveness and freedom, so that they too can re-envision their life of abundance and hope in living. 

I invite you too, to consider: What is something you are holding bitterly onto, and what are you ready and willing to forgive to free yourself towards the future?